Fear and Bliss.

12th October

‘Are you scared Mummy?’

His question stopped me in my tracks. A peculiar sentence to leave my three year old’s lips. He’s stopped playing and stares into my eyes. I tread carefully not to upset him.

‘Yes.. but it’s okay to be frightened.’

‘Why?’

‘Because all the bravest people are.’

It troubles me when people suggest he’s clueless to these changes. He may not fully understand but he’s intelligent. This ongoing feud has affected him in different ways and it breaks my heart that I can’t protect him. He craves control, plays people off against each other, packs a bag everywhere he goes and panics when I leave the room. If anything it makes me more determined to succeed. I am blessed and I have blossomed in ways I could not have imagined.

Becoming a Mother changed my fears. My earlier escapism through recklessness didn’t mean I wasn’t in fear; I was just selfish enough to temporarily care nothing for my own existence. I’m no longer frightened of needles, the dark, heights or even death. (Although I have developed an unexplained wariness of pineapples that I never suffered from previously.) Instead these days I’m terrified of being a disappointment to those I love. I’m petrified of depression, of that suffocating feeling that is anxiety and of failure. Overall my worst phobia is loosing my child. In that, I would loose my sanity. You could almost conclude that these dramatic elements all add up to the ultimate horror of self destruction.

My worst wordly fear reader, is the ability to destroy my own mind.

Therefore to avoid this fear, I have to be in complete control. I surround myself with beautiful minds in the most interesting environments. I grow from educating myself through books, creativity and focus. Because of these acts and this self control, I’ve never been so stable.

These first weeks back at University have been extremely difficult. Commuting and time away from my Cub has been emotionally strenuous. The idea of so much being expected from me in terms of extra reading plus attendance knowing Cub is already struggling with the weekly life swap. It can get beyond difficult and sometimes I spill over the edge.

I constantly remind myself of that first pop of a champagne cork. That overwhelming feeling of closure when Christmas is closer. I smile thinking of it waiting under a willow for my love to arrive. The tree shades me from the autumn sun decorating dark patterns on my skin. I’m excited for my incredible future.

I am not bitter. I no longer care for previous mistakes. What I do blame for, is the precious time I’ve been deprived of in the process of this hell. The hours of my Cub’s youth stolen I’ll never have back. Pick your friends wisely, they maybe dancing with a she-devil. But anger cheats joy and sociopaths aren’t worth a second of that stolen time. Never be surprised and grow from the right places.

No other season can compare to the calming sense of sharp chilly shadows, sun with the last memories of Summer and colours of burning in the trees. Autumn reminds us change is beautiful. The sky is cloudless, a deep blue. I sit. To just be. A sense of stillness.

And reader I’m so so happy.

My love took us back to Haworth. I didn’t let him leave. He worked on his music whilst I pieced my house back together. When the sun set, I lit the sire, we carved pumpkins with my Cub and learnt be enjoy a perfect bliss. Element. He played with my Boy all evening until I carried his tired body to my bed. Exhausted he drifted into sleep and I pull his body against me rocking him. I kiss his pouting lips and his eyes twitch, the way they do when he dreams. I’m the luckiest woman alive. It’s the first time in months I’ve lit the fire. Scarlet flames lick the wood and these evenings are my favourite. I curl up on our wool rug and cook hearty dishes, music playing soft kisses. Bliss. I would die a happy woman.

I separate the seeds and blend the inners creating a pumpkin puree. I freeze it to make Halloween treats for the party in a few weeks time. We sleep together in the attic, curled up in my brass bed, muscles softening to the sound of rain on the sky windows. My life is complete. Here, tonight. I’ve never been so lucky.

Three weeks and I’ll be back on track. I welcome the winter. I welcome 2017 with open arms. Because I am finally the woman I aspire to be.

Mother, Lover, Lioness.

E x

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