My scars ache today. They look particularly ugly this morning, but only skin deep. My soul is healing. It’s my bodies way of reminding me I’m still fragile and to be kind to it. So I wake smiling and take a slow, hot shower. Still wary of myself but aware, positive and loving. I caress my skin in oils and the steam awakes my senses. My arms are smooth. I take care to wash every inch and my toe nails are freshly painted. The sun is coming up he tells me. And I finally believe him as the words play over and over in his voice. I miss him. I’m in sync with the running water. Late to bed and early awake I filter fine coffee and can taste it’s bitter strength. I love myself today, so today is all that matters.
I face an ongoing battle. I have developed a habit of punishing my body when my mind cannot cope. I see these elements as two separate souls and obviously one effects the other. Its become so natural to me that sometimes I won’t remember doing it. But like all habits can be broken, this is a battle of wills.
People are uncomfortable with it. Some may assume it is a tactic of attention seeking, others it scares. But it should be neither. My body and soul are working together slowly to create the balance needed to love myself and stay loved. Day by day, one at a time, till eventually I’m healed.
He left me Friday and my baby arrived home. I struggle at worst when he isn’t here but it gives me time to concentrate on myself, my skin, my mind, myself. With an aim of slowing down and mindfully enjoying my time. Day by day. One at a time.
He understands more than anyone I’ve ever met. Linear similarities throughout our lives that nobody else has ever wholly understood. For an entire week we have been inseparable and I feel I have known him for some lives. This isn’t our first time together, it’s completely impossible.
The sun is coming up he tells me. I never believed I deserved it. I was led to believe I never deserved it, I was to live a life struggling in my own mind, consumed by negativity and not deserving to be loved. I convinced myself I was to loose Noah, my soul mate and by this my being would be again be pointless. Too much going wrong for too long..
Last time I traveled to drop him off we stayed a night in Berwick. He couldn’t sleep, excited by the environment around him. His birthday was a sleep away. So we rose from bed and escaped to the river side, dancing barefoot in the stones to music and entertaining the reflection of the full moon. The childlike, excited energy burst from every pore and we kissed and jumped in the starlight. Passing souls laughed at our wildness and I wrapping him up tight in my cardigan when he grew tired enough to sleep. We read stories and played in the lift, causing innocent havoc. Reader I love him. I love every hair on his head and breath he takes.
Lately I’ve had nightmares. I dreamt of a child I lost being newly born and taken along with Noah. I hadn’t seen her face and she was taken to Edinburgh as was he. I dreamt the next night my Son had disappeared and everyone knew where but me. Like a caged animal and saw red, attacking anything around me and screaming tears and fierce words. My love for him is beyond words and I wake thankful.
I’ve been staying in Leeds when he isn’t here. Attending lectures for a first week back has been extremely difficult but a huge change has arisen and it’s possible. I’m falling back together. We got tattoos, kissed, smoked cigarettes in the bath and danced in creative projects. Noah is my priority, he is the reason behind my entire existence, but the love I have discovered for this wonderful, creative, insane man has lifted me higher and kept me strong. I am capable of anything this world has left to throw at me. I am indestructible and I absolutely dare you to fuck with my strength. I love them both reader, beyond words, beyond anything I could type into words. It would never be enough.
But the sun is coming up. I believe him. And reader, I’ve fallen back in love. With the woman I’ve always wished to be. Scars fade and I am blessed.
Mother, Lover, Daughter,