Reality.

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3rd August

I lie back on the peddled beach, maneuvering the withered rocks to comfort the rooks of my back. I crochet the ends of my messy hair and listen to the children, a breeze on my face, I am peaceful. Earth children, their feet hardening on the stones under the river current. They count fish, feed the birds and concentrate on creating a duck bath out of natural materials. The colour behind my closed eyes turns bright and I open them. The Yorkshire weather is particularly unpredictable today. Temperamental gusts of wind inflicting goosebumps on my arms coupled with bursts of spontaneous sunshine teasing us with a hot shine before disappearing behind black clouds. A storm is brewing and it excites every cell of my being.

Our children play in shallow waters and I can breathe the scent of the trees and hear the river sing. This whole environment makes me calm and at home, surrounded by people I madly love.

Noah climbs my back and begs me to swim with him. ‘Come Mummy, wild princess Mummy, I love you now swim with me!’ I promise we will when the air is warmer. One day soon. We collect beautiful rocks to paint at home and lure ducks in with bread. Beth asks how I ever managed to attract a single date whilst watching me lie on my front speaking to the animals, asking for cuddles from the birds. I laugh so hard my stomach aches. What a simple, perfect day. Calm after and before a wild storm begins.

31st July

I stand at the back of the crowd looking for her. There is a vast sea of unfamiliar faces and I realise she’s gone. I meet a man and we admire the scene be belong in. He is interesting and full of stories. We spend five minutes struggling to see and I quickly convince him to take my hand, scramble through the hundreds and climb an enormous oak tree. We sit a high way up and watch Noel serenade the crowd with old Oasis favorites and newer material. I can see him, the band and hundreds upon hundreds of excited, squashed fans huddle at the front. I smile at my new friend and we sing. I lie comfortable in the rook of my branch and admire the view through the framed silhouette of leaves to bright lights. What a perfect spot. After the performance we climb down, I cuddle him, smile and without even exchanging names I vanish to look for her.

This weekend has been rather magical. Watching my Cub’s face as he watches the people, hearing the music and dances, how he dances! My hips ache from the fast nights and legs from pulling my babies trolley when he tires. The constant excitement. One night after a full day of flirting with beautiful blonde ladies, skanking to the Dub Pistols, head banging in front of a busy crowd and wrestling me on the grass I pull him back in his makeshift bed on wheels to the caravan. The sky is stunning; a watercolour of pinks, oranges, purples against an outline of black trees in the distance. He stares. I ask him if he thinks it’s beautiful, he simply replies, ‘gorgeous, perfect Mummy, just like you’. My heart melts as he speaks and I stop to admire the scene with him, promising him I’ll never, ever leave him. He touches my cheek, he knows. Sometimes his purity brings tears to my eyes. Everything I have ever done wrong is irrelevant. I have never loved anyone as much. A painful, fierce, fighting love you would run through fire for. He falls asleep in my arms to that scene. I couldn’t imagine a more perfect end to an evening.

26th July

Meeting new people gives me a serious freedom high and luckily, somehow, I attract the stranger stranger’s company. Their exhilarating stories, a million of them out there you have never been apart of. People that smile, are open and honest and bless you with their time of day, knowing you’dd probably never see them again. On a regular train ride to Scarborough I was ending my day of work to see my drumming creature.

My mother is happier with me this week. I will have my Cub back for good this week and my goals are straight. She hugged me tight last night and I could feel her pride. There is nothing more shattering than slowly destroying yourself and watching it slowly deteriorate your saviors, your true Gods and Goddesses, your Mother. Yet there is nothing more precious and powerful than regaining faith and forgiveness than pulling yourself back together. I felt that last night in a tight embrace. ‘Wild one’ she calls me and this time it’s in an instinctive thriving manner. I used to think being ridiculous, unsafe and spontaneous was the meaning of youth. Winning a reputation, ruining promising relationships and sleeping with strangers. Selfishness. But by embracing the night air and making your normality abnormal in a productive way is the way forward. I finally care.

For the first time in my life I’m ready to be a Mother. Now, actually announcing that to an audience is difficult. I’ve always loved him, more than I could ever explain, but it’s only now do I realise I did not entirely put him first. I can’t explain it really. I worshiped him always, he was always my first and last thought, but I planned him around my life and ambitions rather than him chancing my life. How I never saw it, never realised, I have no idea. I seeked help, listened and it really really hurt.

I see above the fog. I want him completely involved in this quirky lifestyle, the beauty of it. Rather than continuing recklessness and being a Mother as a side alter ego. Judge me as you like but it takes guts to admit my actions have be selfish. He is my Cub and I’ve never been more ready to be his true Lioness.

A man stopped me on the train today. He stared for a while and eventually said, ‘I wouldn’t normally say this, but she’s shouting at me.’ When I asked him who, he replied the spirit sat next to him – she was from the other side. Now I don’t know what I believe but if I had been conned, I promise you reader, this man believed his own lies. He was full of passion, a short gentleman wearing a suit and holding a briefcase. He had a slight lisp and glasses. He spoke of Susan, a grandmother who smoked a pipe and wore red lipstick. He passed on a story of a lost ring and spoke of Lewis and Simon.

None of his story meant anything to me but I listened, embracing the conversation all the same. I was open minded and genuine when he asked questions. At that point a young blue haired lady sat behind me sobbing. According to the young lady (a complete stranger), everything my suited friend had said was beyond perfect truth. I held her hands and let her tears fall. Whether I was a complete fool an she’s been slipped twenty quid as a failed actress or he was a genius stalker and a regular on ancestry.com, I’ll never know, but I very much doubt it. She held my fingers tight and he apologised. She asked him to go on.

I love trains as much as my Cub, but for entirely different reasons. These moments with strangers are completely fascinating. People are truly extraordinary. So now I’m sat in the Scarborough Arms, watching my beautiful drumming creature and I’m truly overwhelmed with happiness. This weekend brings Kendal Calling with my lion cub, soul sister Goddess Mother and wonderful Father. This is real life, no diving off cliffs and kissing strangers. This is my real life, and my God it’s more passionate and exciting than ever. True, Pure, Happiness.

Mother, Daughter, Lover,

E x  

‘I run from wolves,

breathing heavily at my feet.

And I run from wolves,

tearing into me with out teeth.

You can follow me.’

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Wellness.

Today I have read in the grass. I read of travellers, good people and the wolf like instinct of the Wild Woman that lives within all creativity and natural beings. I have not focused on my physical health today. I have not counted calories, ran or in any way been typically ‘productive’. What I have achieved in, is to be. Forgetting everything but the beauty of this perfect hot day. I sit, contemplate, and appreciate quite how difficult the past two months have been and thank my soul for it’s level headed approach to get through it. I don’t know what happened to me to suddenly realise how to survive this situation mentally. I think instinct kicked in and I needed to be calm.

So today I woke up late, read books, got sun burn. I didn’t cook or clean, I didn’t work and I certainly didn’t worry. Instead I breathe slow and love the minutes that pass me by. I appreciate my own wonderful company and how to fill my head with potential inspiration. I think of activities to try, laugh at how bad my finances are, dream of Noah being finally back with me for good in the coming week, and smile at the ever growing possibilities the rest of this year holds.

I never ‘believed’ in mental well being. It just wasn’t a relevant factor in my life. The only objective for living was to run so fast to achieve as much as possible in a short space of time. It didn’t matter if I was tired, hungry, run down or not enjoying myself in the process. There was just one mission. To show Noah it is possible to be ‘successful’ being a young Mother and to do as well at my University course as possible. That way the rest and privileges of money come later.

But I don’t care for money. I care for clothing and feeding myself and my lion cub. I care for not running so fast I have a complete mental breakdown. I care for peace. So what I saw as ‘success’ I now believe to be foolish. I was closed minded.

I do not wish to live my life like that. I will change my career paths a million times, I do not particularly care for a wealthy career or a large house. I wish to be inspired, peaceful and happy. Cash is and always has been a tool. You earn it, use it and spend it and you will never be stopped from doing anything without it. It can always be earned back and as cliche as it sounds, you don’t take it with you..

I’m just happy and I can’t wait for this terrible episode to be finished. Then I can be truly peaceful. Alone with my cub and completely in my element. I won’t waste a beautiful Summer. I have had some really incredible experiences and thinking of it, Most of them occurred after I had my boy. I’ve been so lucky.

Mother, Lover, Woman.

E x

 

The Lost Carnival 2016.

 

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Welcome one, welcome all, to the most incredible carnival of all time. But more than that, to a battle between two glorious carnivals, to see who will reign supreme forever more. Now that you have stepped inside our little world, expect an incredible story, circus performance that will take your breath away, dancing until your feet ache, and the most intriguing sideshows and characters.

But your role tonight, carnivalistas, is not just to stroll by and enjoy the entertainment. The fate of the carnival is in your hands. You will choose the victor this evening. So choose soon, and choose carefully. Are you team Bird or team Ingenue? Their very futures depend on your decision.

I lay awake in my den underneath this now so familiar oak tree. The summer light is sharp through the branches and I feel protected here, with my incredible Lost Carnival family. My finger nails dirty, eyes twitching with yesterdays daisies and feathers entwined in my plum dreads, the memory of fine glitter on my cheeks. I crawl out of my make shift home and collapse on the grass. The cold ground comforting my face opposing the sunlight caressing the back of my neck. I dig my fingers into the ground and the cold under my tips. My carnival family surround me.

The festival is coming to a close and the last barriers are stacked on one side. For a week now I’ve had next to no sleep, taking short naps when the sky starts to lighten and the stars disappear. I’m manically exhausted and so so happy.

I join my sisters under a willow tree in the shade with a breakfast of red bull and my last cigarette. Holly presents me with a willow crown and I kiss her face in return. She’s covered in last nights gold fairy dust and she is radiant. I dance for the sky in our field and my face aches from smiling. The two most immaculate ways of describing this crazy week must be having a cracking hangover from the mad hatters tea party, wondering what on earth happened or when James and the giant peach are no longer cartoon..

All the strange, eccentric and excited appeared to greet our travelling carnival in Crewe. I’ve been painfully happy. At one with the ground beneath my tired body and surrounded by artists, actors, acrobats, designers and all around magical energy. Here I belong with minimal packing and a head full of ideas and energy. My rings and fingers are covered in dried colours and eyes wide.

A few days ago I ran away to live under the trees with a gypsy Lost Carnival.

On the first evening after a long day, we have debriefing and head to finish painting the stage, we chant on and cheer the practicing whilst embracing the Summer dusk quickly approaching. The sun is bright pinks and bursts of orange settling over the park and we thrive in this alternative reality. The music loud and colourful smoke fills the stage. The actors dance, fight and be simply incredible under the lights. Strong men, clairvoyants, acrobats and new friends. I kiss and congratulate them on their perfect performance and jump thinking of the children’s reactions at their first live show tomorrow. Their little faces focused, completely immersed in the magic. I’m back and have never been so excited to be surrounded by familiar and new faces at the second Lost Carnival. We indulge in our private finale and choose our carnival battle winners.

In the days we paint, string bunting, dance and decorate. In the nights we rest, indulge in one anothers stories and fabulous company. One thing I particularly love about actors in this environment is their confidence and sense of play. It’s so much fun watching their practicing comments and different accents. I thrive from people like this.

I meet a man called Rimski, he plays a piano attached to a bike accompanied with Snowy his mechanical cat and taxidermy mice. I find myself in the company in gentleman whose ‘day job’ is a lighting lord, (as seen featured at Glastonbury’s Arcadia). In the nights he dances in the trees as an aerialist. One of the actors Nicola had met Nelson Mandala, backing sung for Lulu and Ray Charles and dated Gary Oldman. When the families arrived I spent my days telling fortunes from my magical bicycle and encouraging everyone to vote team Bird. I was far too excited by the end of each evening, screaming on the Bird family at the finale and jumping with pure joy when we won.

It’s particularly precious events like this that bring the most incredible souls together. I jump with childish excitement bumping into the couple running the ‘Tin Type Trailer’ again. After meeting them last year and seeing them again whilst organising the Haworth Steampunk Weekend I was overjoyed at the idea of potentially working on a Burlesque night in Manchester. Even writing about it makes my head race and ideas rush through me. When creative people come together, magic can be made.

You need to attend to understand the purity of the Lost Carnival experience. I will be back year after year to annual work, play and meet with my gypsy family. Thank you for an incredible start to my Summer for the second year running. GO TEAM BIRD.

Follow the full story at – http://www.thelostcarnival.org.uk/the-investigation/

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The Castle on the Hill.

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I shuffle half asleep, desperately trying to get comfortable. My mind wanders, playing with her words, creating alternative realities out of my control. I know I’m half conscious, but I welcome the lucid dreaming. I fell in love in this city.

He was pleasant this morning, as was I. I feel no hatred, only sympathy. I spent so long crying, hating, worrying. I wasted so much precious time I could have been thriving with. I yearn for peace. Our short simple conversation felt like none of this was really happening, like two opposing worlds.

I’ve missed this city, it feels wrong travelling here under these circumstances, turning my relationship with these winding roads into somewhat bitter sweet. I have incredible and terrible memories from every corner of this place. We pass familiar locations and I reminisce prompted by my visions. I keep my mouth shut unsure of what to think or say. Stay dumb, stay dumb and get this over with. I ignore her remarks on the situation, she’s trying to help but I’m determined to be as clever and as strong as possible. I will not be hateful, enraged or stressed. I will not put my body or mind through that, but what I will do is be fire. Fierce, bright, beautiful and not to be fucked with.

 I fell out of love a very long time ago, but not with this city. The individual is not what this is about, it’s the place. Ghostly memories I can almost see replaying before my eyes, a world away. I’ll always feel a strong connection with its cobbled hills, quirky bars and endless corners. It was my second home, an enormous part of my life that cannot be erased.

We took time to enjoy the city last night. I needed to love her and for one evening not deal with the conflict this situation has brought. I felt so happy, temporarily ignoring the reasons we’re here. I salsa danced with a gentleman called Fabio, drank fine wine in Frankenstein’s bar and enjoyed the sports parties. I knew the next morning would be terrifying, serious and completely out of my comfort zone, so for that time I needed to thrive.

The next morning we went for breakfast. I wore my only blazer and flowing galaxy dress. The same dress I wore to Colleen’s wedding four years ago. Pinning my dreads back and removing my jewellery, I was stripped bare.

Nobody smiles in these places. It’s terrifyingly professional and a clever business game more than promoting justice. For a woman of twenty-two, I have been privileged and somewhat damned to have experienced the extent of some of the things I have. This was a real kick in the teeth, so it’s a good job I’m a force of nature at the moment, especially with my incredible parents support.

Yet I still struggle to remind myself of that when I stand to greet Maam. My knees buckle and thighs shake, I slow my breathing and give myself a mental talking to – this is no time for panic attacks, you are not welcome here.

I’m running out of time, we all are. So why have I spent an eternity hating myself for my mistakes or blaming myself for the foolish actions of others? I have promised myself I won’t waste any more time. I have not been this well and level headed for at least five years. I’m free.

It’s been such a wonderful trip despite the reason we are here. A mindful car journey watching the beautifully formed Scottish hills as I’m curled on the backseat. Reading, writing, wondering… In the grand scheme of things it’s nothing but I had time to myself. We stayed in a gorgeous hotel room, had a spectacular Italian dinner and danced with strangers.

We wander the streets and I find a tucked up gem of a vintage shop. I buy Noah the most beautiful toddler tweed jacket and we stop for celebratory vanilla cheesecake and freshly squeezed orange juice in the cafe where JK Rowling supposedly wrote Harry Potter. It overlooks Edinburgh castle, balancing itself proudly on such huge rocks. The castle on the hill. A refreshing start to the week and I’m so lucky.

I’ve done a lot of things wrong in my life, a lot I’m not proud of. I wish I’d have helped more, been a better daughter, a more considerate friend, less of a selfish Mother at times. Nobody is perfect and I appreciate my world now, I’m level headed and I can feel myself blossoming. My freedom highs are getting longer, more natural and my skin is glowing today. I feel invincible.

Mother, Daughter, Fighter.

E x

Ocean Eyes.

Follow your inner moonlight, don’t hide the maddness.

– Allen Ginsberg

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I wear my heart on my sleeve, I’m very strong, I make myself rather vulnerable, I’m a total whirlwind and I love hard. Waking up this morning felt like Christmas. With my cub stroking my face, I felt him and eased from a nightmare before I saw him. I opened my eyes to genuine love in his blue oceans and a beaming smile as he fell into mine. The past three weeks have ached. I’ve tried to distract myself with interesting, wonderful souls but in the end the same looming occurred. When I feel I’m on the cusp of being totally annihilated by a chronic storm, another blow, I blow forward and peacefully suffice. I will never break, because those few utterly perfect moments are worth this entire horror.

I’m finally figuring this all out. I’ve worked out how to be well and continue forward in a none destructive manner. To be calm, peaceful and to start enjoying the simple beauties once again.

We cooked breakfast for my dear friend Joe this morning. Cub was overwhelmed to be home and it breaks my heart how insecure he’s been this weekend. Constantly asking if he’s staying and if I’m coming with him. He asks for his my parents and it physically breaks my heart that he’ll be away again tomorrow, but he’ll be back on Friday and when this is over, back for good. I can’t be here to watch the heartbreak.

We took a trip to Salts Mill and he ran excited around the gallery intrigued by the old mill machines and obscure art. We moved floors to find the books. This simple day reminded me this is temporary, we are incredible together and all will be well. This undying, ridiculous amount of love on both sides is not to be fucked with. A mother and child reunited after three weeks, telling me he doesn’t want to go, asking to stay, constant kisses, ear pulling and breathtaking love between two sides of a soul has never been more apparent than today.

I wear my Glastonbury crochet poncho, trusty purple docs and a smile pasted on my face. Noah his skinny maroon jeans and multi coloured tie dye top I bought him at Eden festival. We look like beautiful, dirty hippies and I skip around after him for hours on end. I feel lost at the thought of tomorrow but I manage to remind myself this isn’t forever and I have a positive, wonderful week ahead. His glowing blonde hair bounces as he whizzes back and forth, full of astounding energy.

Yesterday we went to see my best friend and Noah’s. My Bethy and her gorgeous son Ryan. They ran riot. We baked, went to the park, painted, kissed hard, trampolined, gossiped. I just couldn’t stop staring. How these boys have genuinely missed each other. How they hugged and laughed. It’s a strange feeling of complete heartbreak and determination for peace. I sit on the edge of the experience. Watching the two children I care most about in this universe, play for hours, catch up and share. This will be over soon and as a life experience, it will make me as a person; I won’t ever give in.

We run, play and be inspired. The books strangely helped so much. I spent about an hour scouring the pages. Botanical ideas, apothecary cocktails, ideas for mindfulness, curing anxiety, simple lessons of physics, best trees to climb, Oscar Wilde quotes, stunning recovered classics, crafting ideas, children and nature, awakening the soul. Simple days like this mean so much more than just taking the cub out. In a selfish point of view, it keeps me inspired and interested in the world. Through my own and my child’s eyes. Keeps me busy until this is all over. Simplistic. Reminding me what an incredible world we really live in. You are what you make of yourself and I am determined to be fucking incredible.

I have book titles, ideas, authors and artists scribbled all over my fingers, hands, arms to occupy my thoughts for the next few days. I will create something beautiful whilst I wait this week. I stop off at home before returning to my Mother’s. He panics I’m leaving him by entering the house for a brief minute, it shatters me. My mind feels infused, my child loves me unconditionally and I love him even more. I feel like a fireball, unstoppable. I’ve been writing more and my bag is covered in notes scribbled on whatever I can find. Napkins, the back of books, scraps of anything. We’re going on the train tomorrow. His vocabulary is better and I’ve never felt more in love with him. He relentlessly goes on about Thomas the tank, different vehicles and he knows his colours and animals perfectly. We smelt the roses and learnt the names and scent of different herbs. Cub found a snail, I held it on my palm and told him to respect every soul and be careful. He laughed hard, overruled with excitement as our little friend peeked out of his shell. We named him Snake and set him free.

I’m so ready and my life is so precious right now. I’ve surrounded myself with the most incredible people and I have a perfect week ahead with some wonderful creatures. Things are going to be so much more fascinating than I could ever comprehend and I have nothing to loose. I am a woman, I am a Mother and I am ridiculously strong. Watch me rise.

E x

Mother, Daughter, Friend.

 

 

Beautiful People.

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Sometimes it’s okay to not do anything. To smoke, drink tea, sleep and evaluate. Sometimes we need crappy, perfect days to ourselves. Stay in bed.

This picture is the pinnacle of my Saturday night. Thursday was my birthday, I turned twenty two years old. It didn’t feel like a birthday, but a day to prove myself and get things in order. Sometimes it’s okay to struggle and sometimes it’s okay to let people know. I had the most difficult morning of my entire life. I really did. Like a nightmare come true. But like I’ve said before, when you’re loosing everything, you feel strangely free.

Passionately free.

I’ve been monitored, evaluated, watched. So today I’m in bed, doing nothing and that is absolutely fine. That night I ran away again. I’ve met a boy and he is magnificent. I jumped on a train to Scarborough and spent my evening with this creature in a bar and later shutting out the world in his room. Listening to music, phones off, indulging in one anothers company.

I stayed for a few days, following my dreadlocked drummer to various venues and walking by the sea. I left on Saturday with an anxiety burning through my veins. When you return it’s all real again. But you can always tackle it. Always.

There is a miraculous beauty to being around people that love you. Returning with my bag of used clothes to a home full of the most insane people in my universe brought me to tears. I’ve had the most incredibly difficult time this June. I looked around my haven and there they were. The incredible specimens I needed. I was truly reminded that everyone I loved was right behind me and I was never, ever going to have to do this alone. I drank, danced, kissed, took pictures and ran away for a half hour with my gorgeous Joe to rest at the top of a huge oak tree near the river. Watching the sun rise.

So thank you. When my faith was lost, for giving me the most wonderful, perfect night. You restored my faith in myself. Maybe to others this may have just been a party. To me it was a vibe created that spurred me on. To remind and rejuvenate the soul. Seeing so many people you genuinely love in one room at the exactly time things couldn’t get more difficult. This writing may not be sparkly and fairy like pretty. But my God it’s honest.

So just thank you. From the absolute bottom of my heart. Thank you for being my incredible friends.

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I’ve been meaning to write about the next photos. They were taken at Eden festival but this isn’t necessarily about the festival as a whole, just this moment.

I was exhausted, had not slept and was resting under the sun to the music of a wonderful sitar player I’d met, Finn. I met some pure souls that day and danced with them down to a spot we’d found at the river. The water was deep further down at the trees sheltered us. Making the area feel safe.

It was boiling. We stripped off and entered the river.

I don’t think anything I can write would possibly make you truly understand the beauty of that morning. I was infatuated with these new friends. Their peaceful vibe, the way they looked into your soul rather than at you. The river, the rocks under my toes, the sound of it’s flow. The nakedness, the freedom. The fact it isn’t about your size or shape, or any of what you would consider ‘imperfections’. I’m proud of my body. I gave birth to a son and I am not perfect. That is incredible in itself. Nakedness shouldn’t always be considered sexual. It’s natural, and in this situation, it was truly perfect. The smells and sounds and incredible company just made me thrive. Truly, beautifully.

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So there you have it. I’m a bit all over the place and I’m struggling, but what I’m trying to say is that I am so unbelievably grateful to be surrounded by people like this. It keeps me alive and fighting. It boils up in my stomach and makes me want to cry and that’s okay. I can’t put into words how much I really love people. Because sometimes it’s okay to need the right company. The company of stunning souls.

Mother, Fighter, Friend.

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Growing.

Not a failure anymore.
I have my high ups and deep downs but at least I’m present.
When I’m happy I’m so happy I could explode.
When I’m overwhelmed, tired and feeling lonely it’s almost like I’m dying.
I dive into my emotions and let them to guide me.
I’m on the exact path I should be on.
Motherhood is that something that makes me complete with all its challenges.
I feel like I’m connected to this Planet much more than ever.
Now I do feel the importance of womanhood.

– Kat (http://www.motherhoodrising.com)

I cannot relate more to this.

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So ladies and gentlemen, this is me today. Shitty webcam pictures but contemplating. Pure, honest and strong. I’ve taken a day out to indulge in my own mind in my haven. This house is a treasure of secrets, memories, love and every element represents a story and everywhere I see Noah. He should be home shortly. I’ve taken this time to understand myself a little better. To question the job I’ve been doing as a Mother and quite brutally analyse my previous decisions. Time away from him has been true agony. The love you have for a child is not pretty or cute or simple. It’s terrifying and so strong it burns you inside out. You would never ever stop for that child as they are everything pure in yourself and that other person. They are a soul that has chosen you to guide and protect them, that has known you longer than you’ve known yourself. A lover, a parent, a best friend, a favorite creature from many previous lives.

Parent’s are meant to protect, guide and unconditionally love their babies. I have done my damn hardest to show him all the beauty and passion in the world even when I’ve been at my absolute lowest. Because when you’re unwell, down or whatever it is. Nothing should stop you. Nothing in the world should stop you being the most incredible person for your children. Nothing. Noah Scott is my soul mate.

I’ve been purifying myself. Doing things that are good for the soul and planning wonderful adventures for when my child returns. I have lots to write about and not enough time. Beautiful days I’ve been blessed with that I’m yet to share with you.

Just be patient.

Mother, Lover, Survivor.

E

 

Confessions.


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I have a large wooden box. It contains pictures, objects, love letters, foliage and tells a million stories. What I’m about to write is the most honest thing I have ever written and probably the most heartbreaking. To expose every vulnerability takes away any ammo, so here is my entire soul. In my box I find an old note, a text sent by my cousin that brings me to tears every time I read it. So utterly cruel, true, heart wrenching and beautiful I had to share with you.

I hope you’re feeling proud of yourself. I bet you’re feeling pretty fucking embarrassed. What a stupid thing to do. You are hurting everybody around you by doing these things. Cutting your skin is one thing, but you don’t just cut yourself when you do it you know. You’re cutting the people that you love. Suicide on the other hand is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Did you not once think about what you would be leaving behind? When you feel like giving up, you should think about the reason you held on for so long. What about your child and parents? They love you. Implicitly. The person who commits suicide dies once. Those left behind die a thousand times trying to relive those terrible moments and understand, why? I can’t comprehend it. I wish you could’ve known Joe. I wish you knew him at least as a stranger that you saw. I wish you’d have attended the funeral. I wish you could see his family now. I wish you could be standing on this farm with me now, looking at the blue sky and green grass. I wish you could feel how tainted it is now since his took his own life. I wish you could feel the empty hole that is left, even though his presence and very existence is within the fabric of this land. But above all, I wish he could be here to smell the air, feel the gentle breeze and feel the sun on his back. It’s too late now though. And that, leaves the biggest of scars. The ones you can’t see. I wish you could see his flat above the garage. It’s as he left it in January. Because the people he left behind are too upset to disturb the last reminder they have of him. Life is precious, and to take your own, you might as well take everyone’s who loves you.

In September last year, I attempted to take my own life convinced my darling child would thrive so much more spectacularly without me. In that moment, when you make that decision not even the pure love of your soul mate can stop you. It becomes deep rooted in your brain. Everything else is irreverent, aside the idea of peace on the other side. I woke in hospital and stayed for days, escaping for cigarettes. Rushing down the corridors with my drip. Burning kidneys in a dream enhanced state. The hospital became friendly. I accepted its walls as having no time or real life resemblance. I’d been in and out over the past years for different things. The building became a mixture of fucked up emotions but it was safe. I was furious to have been saved. I hated everybody I spoke to, shut myself in and didn’t eat. The sunlight burnt my eyes and I couldn’t leave my filthy quilts. Because leaving the house meant acceptance of my survival. Everything hurt and even my reflection shunned me, I was trapped in my own mind. Nothing I could write, play, observe, see could have saved me.

Worst of all, I was disgusted with myself for giving up as a Mother.

I will never be as beautiful as him. There aren’t enough words to describe his radiance and my God I try. So yes. Every night I tell him I love him, apologise for my faults and try my damn best to be everything in the world for him. But we slip up, we’re only human but when I do, it’s brutal. I’m learning to be comfortable in my skin again and I’m my own worst enemy. It’s just understanding how to control and cope with such a manic personality. I love so hard and want to create. I need to make my existence worth something and Noah is my only aim.

So here right now. I’m listening to Kaleo my new obsession, dancing around in the evening light. The remains of a passionately boiling Summer day. Thankful I survived. I survived every time. My lion head rabbit is dancing on the grass around me and my shirt flows with my movements. I watch my body, slow, soft, imperfect but alive and so beautiful. The way my inked skin moves in the dusk light. The shadows long and sharp and I’m alive. So do me a favor. Listen to the song below, touch the softness of your glowing skin and feel the power you have to be absolutely incredible. Nothing is impossible and we can be infinite to an extent. As long as we understand how to love ourselves, our children and our endless, wonderful minds.

If you see me out and about, passing by to the shops, indulging in my next projects, stop to kiss my face. Remember exactly how brutally honest I’ve been and how precious and powerful every one of us is.

Mother, Lover, Survivor. 

E.

Amsterdam Dreams.

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I sit naked, dipping my feet in the salt infused scorching bath focusing my energies in easing myself into burning waters. I use whatever oils I have left and tease my feet to see how much of the scald I can handle. It feels good. Fresh, alone, patient. My newly tattooed thigh has struggled with my underwear all morning and now the pain softens. I’m relaxed but focused on new projects and how to fund such a busy year. My body weakens under the water. I’ve filled it to the brim and float in a meditative state, observant of the room around me. The shower curtain is stained pink from dye, a dozen exotic soaps piled on the window sill and burned out tealights scatter the room. It’s half painted. Unfinished. Yet I have a million ideas and not enough time.

Time isn’t precious at all, because it is an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. That is precious indeed. The more you are focused on time—past and future—the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is.

– Eckhart Tolle

Last night my child returned. I know this scene all too well. He won’t sleep unless his nose is pressed up against mine, staring up at me with those eyes, an indescribable shade of blue with blonde imperfect circles around his pupils. The exact eyes of my Mother and Grandfather. Perhaps this is how I start my posts as it’s a normality at the end of long days. Or perhaps it’s the fact  their aren’t enough words to  describe my idea of heaven. With him. His body half the length of mine, tugging at my ears for comfort and staring into my soul. The only difference is through the mesh curtain tonight it’s blue skies and the sound of birds rather than silence and stars. I hold him and thank whatever Goddess delivered his soul to mine for his fire, his strength.

Summer seems to wake my spirit, bringing my mind back to life.I’m a Summer baby, due on Summer Solstice but two days late. I feel restless, busy, manic and wild. Unable to capture every moment I’m refusing to let my mind forget. Feeling mindful and appreciative. I haven’t been this happy for years. Shining. We call my old love and congratulate him on finishing University and for any distraction to avoid sleep. Noah giggles to his Father down the phone and kisses my forehead. Right now, there is nothing else in the world. He loves me and I him and in these bed time moments, we are rulers of the Universe.

Things got bad, then really bad. So on a weekend when Noah was with his Father, I took my soul sister and ran far. To Amsterdam. We jumped in a taxi and as soon as the plane landed on foreign soil, Haworth never existed. Not even an apocalypse could have touched us. We ran around the city finding adventures and wondrous sights, running fast, our skins browning, the Sun radiant, agreeing with our current choices.

I feel glitter in my veins and passion reforming behind my eyelids. Like a creature let loose, I am invincible. “You nourish the earth and the earth nourishes you”, so right now I respect, love and appreciate the world around me, as it’s reforming my wondrous light.

Saturday we bought wooden tulips from a florist by the canal. Sun strong, we were protected by huge sunglasses and flowing skirts. We were approached by party of gentlemen who asked us to join them for a walk and coffee, as to which we did. Leaving the coffee house slightly more giggly than when entered, I kiss my girl and we walk for miles around the canal and shops with our new friends. We find a spot shouting to the boats as they pass, eating blueberries, grapes, drinking sweet ciders and playing in the Summer heat. What an utterly beautiful, simple day. We thank our friends and eventually leave them, promising to return to them at six to play on the waters.

We wander, laugh, enjoy and head back to our hotel to change. Half an hour later than planned we head out in the evening sun and find our new friends waiting on a narrow boat with bottles of wine. We played on that boat till 3am and had a spectacular evening. I remember sitting on the front tip with my feet feeling the water as we moved. I felt the water escape my fingers and watched the sun turn orange, reds and pinks. I sat dazed unable to say much for a short period of time. What I was experiencing was pure. We float under the arched bridges into the perfect circular lights reflecting in the calm waters, drifting into another world. Sat in my bikini, drinking sparkly, fingers and toes dancing through the ripples as the boat sways forward. She curls herself around me and whispers sweet nothings into my ear. She tells me of how she never wants this moment to slip through her fingers and their is no way of fully capturing it. I remind her to indulge in the present moment and not let it slip away by trying to cage it in pictures and frustration. A single picture may remind you but only remind. In that moment itself, we are blessed.

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Their aren’t enough words to truly make you understand the pure magic of that evening. We booked our flights on Wednesday and by Friday we had escaped for a short while. We bought roses to give out in the Summer days, to remind women of their beauty and make men blush. On our boat, we made a stop for more wine. Hanging the large bulbs of fairy lights wrapped in a tree and securing the ropes I was led in hand off our vessel. We entered an expensive restaurant on the canal front with Champagne flowing freely and a jazz band entertaining the ears of the rich. A waiter in black tie led us to the powder room where a DJ spun vinyls and free mints were offered at the sinks. We entered the cubical together and laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation. I kiss her face and once we are sorted, return to our new friends.

But all too soon we were on a flight back to our reality. We vowed we’d return in the Summer for another evening with our Amsterdam darlings. I feel the need for a constant escape to the unusual, the beautiful. I want to go to Italy this Autumn alone. Take a week to learn to dance, see beautiful cities and read. It’s a perfect break.

I refused to immediately accept my return so stayed with my darling in Manchester for a night. I was a tired state with sore eyes but was well looked after. He studied and I read under a blanket in his living room. Dosing off after such a strangely fascinating weekend. We eventually retired to bed but I could not sleep. Through the bay window, the streetlights cast a movie of shadows on his perfectly still back. His muscles sculpted and stone as the branches and foliage pattern his skin. I watch my own body, battered and bruised from determination not to be defeated and as a contrast, self loathing. I’m learning though, always learning. But I’m ready now, for anything.

Some have wondered why I took her back. As time has passed I should have trusted my gut. I’m too loving, too forgiving and some people never change. You always realise sooner or later. Still, what wonderful memories.

Mother, Wanderluster, Believer.

E X

The Moors.

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I kiss his mouth to remind him we once had a life together. He did not react, did not pull away, just watched. I do not love him anymore. We stand on the moor breathing in the Yorkshire air. I feel it in my lungs and my pulse races. Cold finger tips, hot chest, we’re here for a long time lapping up a familiar, comfortable silence. After four years I can read his mind. He asked me to come and we both stand staring out at the valley, smokes in hand, appreciating how painful, broken, ridiculous and powerful we have made one another. I can hate him so much but always feel the need to protect, even if it’s only slight. Motherly instinct.

I’m terrified. There is a lot of change on the horizon and I need to watch my steps carefully. The anticipation excites and scares me. The moor is cold today, a little threatening, but I have no idea what I’m so wary of. Something out there, in my head, something that’s yet to happen. It feels alive up here, the wind whispering words into my subconscious and the hills staring right into my soul, analysing. Without words spoken we are at peace with the destruction caused, we understand it’s time.

I woke before seven this morning. My baby was stirring, shouting in his dreams and when he opened his eyes he was frustrated. I hold him close for cuddles and we talk and kiss watching the blue sky behind my mesh bedroom curtains. It’s a pure, uncomplicated, undying love. He is everything and always, always will be. It breaks my heart he’ll be gone till Sunday. But I know this time for a fact he’ll be back. I’m quietly content.

My dreams have been so vivid. I can actually feel the experience, see the colours. It makes me want to stay asleep, hide under the covers like I’ve been doing for weeks. Dream away and not think about the reality that binds us. We’re just a sea of messed up youth battling with our over active, creative imaginations. Yet isn’t it exciting?

I miss Edinburgh, I really do. I move from him and his car and stand high on a rock next to us. Straightening my spine, closing my eyes and blocking out everything but the open space I feel around me, I’m alone with this moor, melancholy but positive. Feeling a forward moment ahead of us. Standing with the man who caused me so much grief and upset and rising above the madness. We are taught that every creature’s only objectives are to be happy and free of pain, and the purest, strongest act is forgiveness.

I’m so thankful. For everything I’m blessed with.

Mother, Lover, Breather.

E x