Struggle.

The most difficult thing about the situation is the pressure to now be well. It could be perceived as a positive thing but also terrifying negative. The soul bursts with energy, ideas and power. This power can easily turn to self destruction.
I am well but I feel that all comfortable and familiar slide creeping in. My instinctive habit is to embrace it. To drown my sorrows in a false happiness. To dance, to drink, to run to friends, cities, to spend cash I don’t have. To internally panic that my aura is unstable leading to a fake show of avoiding the presence of instability, I become manic with a false positivity.

It isn’t that I don’t enjoy the days. It isn’t as far as depression, its flirting with the idea ofย insanity. In these undeniably scary times, I see beauty in the most profound places. Small acts of kindness and the strength of quality time with lovers can bring me to tears. The shades of colours and dribble of an English summer on my young, soft skin remind me how lucky I am. I try to be productive and end up falling behind, leaving tasks and indulging my moments into creativity and potential plans. It may not be the best way to deal with situations for some. But alternative therapies and mind opening, inspiring projects can be all I have to rely on.

The cycle is ongoing. I am awake to my mental illness. I am aware that I can be rash and worrying and that my brain becomes difficult to balance. Therefore I openly inspire my mind. This is my medicine.

This post sounds incredibly negative. I understand that from an outsiders perspective I sound completely unstable, insane and unpredictable. But the actual point of this Reader, is that the soul is so unbelievably confusing, we never stop learning about how our unconscious thought process affects our actions on an unwell mind.

Not that my mind us unwell, it just has its days. This mindset only creeps in to haunt whenย I become anxious of my Cub’s return. I am learning to use my energies in a positive manner. I get paranoid and realize these feelings are only present because on occasion he hasn’t returned home. I was emotionally tormented for such a period of time that it is only natural to go into defense and panic. Any mother would be exactly the same. It’s a long game of driving somebody completely insane. I was always, always going to win.

The point I wish to make is that I’m so proud of my soul for its slow healing process and in the lowest points of total despair and heartbreak, I continued on and always had support. My family, my friends, my fiancรฉ, these people kept me alive. Currently, I’m not great. All I wish to do is curl up with my golden haired, fierce little man; but that isn’t possible until Saturday. So instead I have been creating, sketching, smiling, taking long baths and sunny walks. I have been planning, creating, making lists. I have had late nights and late mornings. I have been giving my body what it craves.

Self healing isn’t just about not harming oneself physically, nor is it about not drinking or eating well. These things are obvious. It is deeper than that. It is trying to understand your tics. This has been the hardest part for me. It is about spending time on the mind. Not necessarily happiness itself – if you are genuinely unhappy in a result of a situation, that may not be depression – but knowing the way your incredible mind works as you do the unique moles that pattern your aging skin or your Mother’s mannerisms from childhood memories. It is understanding particular natural reactions to certain situations and how to stay well.

It didn’t come naturally to me. For a long time I tried healing myself not through care and balance but through overworking. Then it was under-eating. Then it was becoming reliant on the wrong company. You cannot escape a struggling mind. It will not heal. But it is always temporary. Do not rely on control, rely on balance.

Use this time to indulge in ideas you believe in. Run around and feel your homeland, spend a day in bed if need be, eat ice cream, eat kale, eat whatever you need to, read lots, sing loudly, indulge in a little of everything. Take the help thats available. Do what your soul and body crave. Talk.

But never, ever, ever ignore, move too fast or feel guilty for these feelings. It is the first step. We are always learning. My path is so young and I’m so proud of myself. Everything is temporary.

Mother, Lover, Believer.

E x

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s