Reality.

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3rd August

I lie back on the peddled beach, maneuvering the withered rocks to comfort the rooks of my back. I crochet the ends of my messy hair and listen to the children, a breeze on my face, I am peaceful. Earth children, their feet hardening on the stones under the river current. They count fish, feed the birds and concentrate on creating a duck bath out of natural materials. The colour behind my closed eyes turns bright and I open them. The Yorkshire weather is particularly unpredictable today. Temperamental gusts of wind inflicting goosebumps on my arms coupled with bursts of spontaneous sunshine teasing us with a hot shine before disappearing behind black clouds. A storm is brewing and it excites every cell of my being.

Our children play in shallow waters and I can breathe the scent of the trees and hear the river sing. This whole environment makes me calm and at home, surrounded by people I madly love.

Noah climbs my back and begs me to swim with him. ‘Come Mummy, wild princess Mummy, I love you now swim with me!’ I promise we will when the air is warmer. One day soon. We collect beautiful rocks to paint at home and lure ducks in with bread. Beth asks how I ever managed to attract a single date whilst watching me lie on my front speaking to the animals, asking for cuddles from the birds. I laugh so hard my stomach aches. What a simple, perfect day. Calm after and before a wild storm begins.

31st July

I stand at the back of the crowd looking for her. There is a vast sea of unfamiliar faces and I realise she’s gone. I meet a man and we admire the scene be belong in. He is interesting and full of stories. We spend five minutes struggling to see and I quickly convince him to take my hand, scramble through the hundreds and climb an enormous oak tree. We sit a high way up and watch Noel serenade the crowd with old Oasis favorites and newer material. I can see him, the band and hundreds upon hundreds of excited, squashed fans huddle at the front. I smile at my new friend and we sing. I lie comfortable in the rook of my branch and admire the view through the framed silhouette of leaves to bright lights. What a perfect spot. After the performance we climb down, I cuddle him, smileย and without even exchanging names Iย vanish to look for her.

This weekend has been rather magical. Watching my Cub’s face as he watches the people, hearing the music and dances, how he dances! My hips ache from the fast nights and legs from pulling my babies trolley when he tires. The constant excitement. One night after a full day of flirting with beautiful blonde ladies, skanking to the Dub Pistols, head banging in front of a busy crowd and wrestling me on the grass I pull him back in his makeshift bed on wheels to the caravan. The sky is stunning; a watercolour of pinks, oranges, purples against an outline of black trees in the distance. He stares. I ask him if he thinks it’s beautiful, he simply replies, ‘gorgeous, perfect Mummy, just like you’. My heart melts as he speaks and I stop to admire the scene with him, promising him I’ll never, ever leave him. He touches my cheek, he knows. Sometimes his purity brings tears to my eyes. Everything I have ever done wrong is irrelevant. I have never loved anyone as much. A painful, fierce, fighting love you would run through fire for. He falls asleep in my arms to that scene. I couldn’t imagine a more perfect end to an evening.

26th July

Meeting new people gives me a serious freedom high and luckily, somehow, I attract the stranger stranger’s company. Their exhilarating stories, a million of them out there you have never been apart of. People that smile, are open and honest and bless you with their time of day, knowing you’dd probably never see them again. On a regular train ride to Scarborough I was ending my day of work to see my drumming creature.

My mother is happier with me this week. I will have my Cub back for good this week and my goals are straight. She hugged me tight last night and I could feel her pride. There is nothing more shattering than slowly destroying yourself and watching it slowly deteriorate your saviors, your true Gods and Goddesses, your Mother. Yet there is nothing more precious and powerful than regaining faith and forgiveness than pulling yourself back together. I felt that last night in a tight embrace. ‘Wild one’ she calls me and this time it’s in an instinctive thriving manner. I used to think being ridiculous, unsafe and spontaneous was the meaning of youth. Winning a reputation, ruining promising relationships and sleeping with strangers. Selfishness. But by embracing the night air and making your normality abnormal in a productive way is the way forward. I finally care.

For the first time in my life I’m ready to be a Mother. Now, actually announcing that to an audience is difficult. I’ve always loved him, more than I could ever explain, but it’s only now do I realise I did not entirely put him first. I can’t explain it really. I worshiped him always, he was always my first and last thought, but I planned him around my life and ambitions rather than him chancing my life. How I never saw it, never realised, I have no idea. I seeked help, listened and it really really hurt.

I see above the fog. I want him completely involved in this quirky lifestyle, the beauty of it. Rather than continuing recklessness and being a Mother as a side alter ego. Judge me as you like but it takes guts to admit my actions have be selfish. He is my Cub and I’ve never been more ready to be his true Lioness.

A man stopped me on the train today. He stared for a while and eventually said, ‘I wouldn’t normally say this, but she’s shouting at me.’ When I asked him who, he replied the spirit sat next to him – she was from the other side. Now I don’t know what I believe but if I had been conned, I promise you reader, this man believed his own lies. He was full of passion, a short gentleman wearing a suit and holding a briefcase. He had a slight lisp and glasses. He spoke of Susan, a grandmother who smoked a pipe and wore red lipstick. He passed on a story of a lost ring and spoke of Lewis and Simon.

None of his story meant anything to me but I listened, embracing the conversation all the same. I was open minded and genuine when he asked questions. At that point a young blue haired lady sat behind me sobbing. According to the young lady (a complete stranger), everything my suited friend had said was beyond perfect truth. I held her hands and let her tears fall. Whether I was a complete fool an she’s been slipped twenty quid as a failed actress or he was a genius stalker and a regular on ancestry.com, I’ll never know, but I very much doubt it. She held my fingers tight and he apologised. She asked him to go on.

I love trains as much as my Cub, but for entirely different reasons. These moments with strangers are completely fascinating. People are truly extraordinary. So now I’m sat in the Scarborough Arms, watching my beautiful drumming creature and I’m truly overwhelmed with happiness. This weekend brings Kendal Calling with my lion cub, soul sister Goddess Mother and wonderful Father. This is real life, no diving off cliffs and kissing strangers. This is my real life, and my God it’s more passionate and exciting than ever. True, Pure, Happiness.

Mother, Daughter, Lover,

E x ย 

‘I run from wolves,

breathing heavily at my feet.

And I run from wolves,

tearing into me with out teeth.

You can follow me.’

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