Today I have read in the grass. I read of travellers, good people and the wolf like instinct of the Wild Woman that lives within all creativity and natural beings. I have not focused on my physical health today. I have not counted calories, ran or in any way been typically ‘productive’. What I have achieved in, is to be. Forgetting everything but the beauty of this perfect hot day. I sit, contemplate, and appreciate quite how difficult the past two months have been and thank my soul for it’s level headed approach to get through it. I don’t know what happened to me to suddenly realise how to survive this situation mentally. I think instinct kicked in and I needed to be calm.
So today I woke up late, read books, got sun burn. I didn’t cook or clean, I didn’t work and I certainly didn’t worry. Instead I breathe slow and love the minutes that pass me by. I appreciate my own wonderful company and how to fill my head with potential inspiration. I think of activities to try, laugh at how bad my finances are, dream of Noah being finally back with me for good in the coming week, and smile at the ever growing possibilities the rest of this year holds.
I never ‘believed’ in mental well being. It just wasn’t a relevant factor in my life. The only objective for living was to run so fast to achieve as much as possible in a short space of time. It didn’t matter if I was tired, hungry, run down or not enjoying myself in the process. There was just one mission. To show Noah it is possible to be ‘successful’ being a young Mother and to do as well at my University course as possible. That way the rest and privileges of money come later.
But I don’t care for money. I care for clothing and feeding myself and my lion cub. I care for not running so fast I have a complete mental breakdown. I care for peace. So what I saw as ‘success’ I now believe to be foolish. I was closed minded.
I do not wish to live my life like that. I will change my career paths a million times, I do not particularly care for a wealthy career or a large house. I wish to be inspired, peaceful and happy. Cash is and always has been a tool. You earn it, use it and spend it and you will never be stopped from doing anything without it. It can always be earned back and as cliche as it sounds, you don’t take it with you..
I’m just happy and I can’t wait for this terrible episode to be finished. Then I can be truly peaceful. Alone with my cub and completely in my element. I won’t waste a beautiful Summer. I have had some really incredible experiences and thinking of it, Most of them occurred after I had my boy. I’ve been so lucky.
Mother, Lover, Woman.