Follow your inner moonlight, don’t hide the maddness.
– Allen Ginsberg
I wear my heart on my sleeve, I’m very strong, I make myself rather vulnerable, I’m a total whirlwind and I love hard. Waking up this morning felt like Christmas. With my cub stroking my face, I felt him and eased from a nightmare before I saw him. I opened my eyes to genuine love in his blue oceans and a beaming smile as he fell into mine. The past three weeks have ached. I’ve tried to distract myself with interesting, wonderful souls but in the end the same looming occurred. When I feel I’m on the cusp of being totally annihilated by a chronic storm, another blow, I blow forward and peacefully suffice. I will never break, because those few utterly perfect moments are worth this entire horror.
I’m finally figuring this all out. I’ve worked out how to be well and continue forward in a none destructive manner. To be calm, peaceful and to start enjoying the simple beauties once again.
We cooked breakfast for my dear friend Joe this morning. Cub was overwhelmed to be home and it breaks my heart how insecure he’s been this weekend. Constantly asking if he’s staying and if I’m coming with him. He asks for his my parents and it physically breaks my heart that he’ll be away again tomorrow, but he’ll be back on Friday and when this is over, back for good. I can’t be here to watch the heartbreak.
We took a trip to Salts Mill and he ran excited around the gallery intrigued by the old mill machines and obscure art. We moved floors to find the books. This simple day reminded me this is temporary, we are incredible together and all will be well. This undying, ridiculous amount of love on both sides is not to be fucked with. A mother and child reunited after three weeks, telling me he doesn’t want to go, asking to stay, constant kisses, ear pulling and breathtaking love between two sides of a soul has never been more apparent than today.
I wear my Glastonbury crochet poncho, trusty purple docs and a smile pasted on my face. Noah his skinny maroon jeans and multi coloured tie dye top I bought him at Eden festival. We look like beautiful, dirty hippies and I skip around after him for hours on end. I feel lost at the thought of tomorrow but I manage to remind myself this isn’t forever and I have a positive, wonderful week ahead. His glowing blonde hair bounces as he whizzes back and forth, full of astounding energy.
Yesterday we went to see my best friend and Noah’s. My Bethy and her gorgeous son Ryan. They ran riot. We baked, went to the park, painted, kissed hard, trampolined, gossiped. I just couldn’t stop staring. How these boys have genuinely missed each other. How they hugged and laughed. It’s a strange feeling of complete heartbreak and determination for peace. I sit on the edge of the experience. Watching the two children I care most about in this universe, play for hours, catch up and share. This will be over soon and as a life experience, it will make me as a person; I won’t ever give in.
We run, play and be inspired. The books strangely helped so much. I spent about an hour scouring the pages. Botanical ideas, apothecary cocktails, ideas for mindfulness, curing anxiety, simple lessons of physics, best trees to climb, Oscar Wilde quotes, stunning recovered classics, crafting ideas, children and nature, awakening the soul. Simple days like this mean so much more than just taking the cub out. In a selfish point of view, it keeps me inspired and interested in the world. Through my own and my child’s eyes. Keeps me busy until this is all over. Simplistic. Reminding me what an incredible world we really live in. You are what you make of yourself and I am determined to be fucking incredible.
I have book titles, ideas, authors and artists scribbled all over my fingers, hands, arms to occupy my thoughts for the next few days. I will create something beautiful whilst I wait this week. I stop off at home before returning to my Mother’s. He panics I’m leaving him by entering the house for a brief minute, it shatters me. My mind feels infused, my child loves me unconditionally and I love him even more. I feel like a fireball, unstoppable. I’ve been writing more and my bag is covered in notes scribbled on whatever I can find. Napkins, the back of books, scraps of anything. We’re going on the train tomorrow. His vocabulary is better and I’ve never felt more in love with him. He relentlessly goes on about Thomas the tank, different vehicles and he knows his colours and animals perfectly. We smelt the roses and learnt the names and scent of different herbs. Cub found a snail, I held it on my palm and told him to respect every soul and be careful. He laughed hard, overruled with excitement as our little friend peeked out of his shell. We named him Snake and set him free.
I’m so ready and my life is so precious right now. I’ve surrounded myself with the most incredible people and I have a perfect week ahead with some wonderful creatures. Things are going to be so much more fascinating than I could ever comprehend and I have nothing to loose. I am a woman, I am a Mother and I am ridiculously strong. Watch me rise.
Mother, Daughter, Friend.