Sometimes it’s okay to not do anything. To smoke, drink tea, sleep and evaluate. Sometimes we need crappy, perfect days to ourselves. Stay in bed.
This picture is the pinnacle of my Saturday night. Thursday was my birthday, I turned twenty two years old. It didn’t feel like a birthday, but a day to prove myself and get things in order. Sometimes it’s okay to struggle and sometimes it’s okay to let people know. I had the most difficult morning of my entire life. I really did. Like a nightmare come true. But like I’ve said before, when you’re loosing everything, you feel strangely free.
I’ve been monitored, evaluated, watched. So today I’m in bed, doing nothing and that is absolutely fine. That night I ran away again. I’ve met a boy and he is magnificent. I jumped on a train to Scarborough and spent my evening with this creature in a bar and later shutting out the world in his room. Listening to music, phones off, indulging in one anothers company.
I stayed for a few days, following my dreadlocked drummer to various venues and walking by the sea. I left on Saturday with an anxiety burning through my veins. When you return it’s all real again. But you can always tackle it. Always.
There is a miraculous beauty to being around people that love you. Returning with my bag of used clothes to a home full of the most insane people in my universe brought me to tears. I’ve had the most incredibly difficult time this June. I looked around my haven and there they were. The incredible specimens I needed. I was truly reminded that everyone I loved was right behind me and I was never, ever going to have to do this alone. I drank, danced, kissed, took pictures and ran away for a half hour with my gorgeous Joe to rest at the top of a huge oak tree near the river. Watching the sun rise.
So thank you. When my faith was lost, for giving me the most wonderful, perfect night. You restored my faith in myself. Maybe to others this may have just been a party. To me it was a vibe created that spurred me on. To remind and rejuvenate the soul. Seeing so many people you genuinely love in one room at the exactly time things couldn’t get more difficult. This writing may not be sparkly and fairy like pretty. But my God it’s honest.
So just thank you. From the absolute bottom of my heart. Thank you for being my incredible friends.
I’ve been meaning to write about the next photos. They were taken at Eden festival but this isn’t necessarily about the festival as a whole, just this moment.
I was exhausted, had not slept and was resting under the sun to the music of a wonderful sitar player I’d met, Finn. I met some pure souls that day and danced with them down to a spot we’d found at the river. The water was deep further down at the trees sheltered us. Making the area feel safe.
It was boiling. We stripped off and entered the river.
I don’t think anything I can write would possibly make you truly understand the beauty of that morning. I was infatuated with these new friends. Their peaceful vibe, the way they looked into your soul rather than at you. The river, the rocks under my toes, the sound of it’s flow. The nakedness, the freedom. The fact it isn’t about your size or shape, or any of what you would consider ‘imperfections’. I’m proud of my body. I gave birth to a son and I am not perfect. That is incredible in itself. Nakedness shouldn’t always be considered sexual. It’s natural, and in this situation, it was truly perfect. The smells and sounds and incredible company just made me thrive. Truly, beautifully.
So there you have it. I’m a bit all over the place and I’m struggling, but what I’m trying to say is that I am so unbelievably grateful to be surrounded by people like this. It keeps me alive and fighting. It boils up in my stomach and makes me want to cry and that’s okay. I can’t put into words how much I really love people. Because sometimes it’s okay to need the right company. The company of stunning souls.
Mother, Fighter, Friend.