I kiss his mouth to remind him we once had a life together. He did not react, did not pull away, just watched. I do not love him anymore. We stand on the moor breathing in the Yorkshire air. I feel it in my lungs and my pulse races. Cold finger tips, hot chest, we’re here for a long time lapping up a familiar, comfortable silence. After four years I can read his mind. He asked me to come and we both stand staring out at the valley, smokes in hand, appreciating how painful, broken, ridiculous and powerful we have made one another. I can hate him so much but always feel the need to protect, even if it’s only slight. Motherly instinct.
I’m terrified. There is a lot of change on the horizon and I need to watch my steps carefully. The anticipation excites and scares me. The moor is cold today, a little threatening, but I have no idea what I’m so wary of. Something out there, in my head, something that’s yet to happen. It feels alive up here, the wind whispering words into my subconscious and the hills staring right into my soul, analysing. Without words spoken we are at peace with the destruction caused, we understand it’s time.
I woke before seven this morning. My baby was stirring, shouting in his dreams and when he opened his eyes he was frustrated. I hold him close for cuddles and we talk and kiss watching the blue sky behind my mesh bedroom curtains. It’s a pure, uncomplicated, undying love. He is everything and always, always will be. It breaks my heart he’ll be gone till Sunday. But I know this time for a fact he’ll be back. I’m quietly content.
My dreams have been so vivid. I can actually feel the experience, see the colours. It makes me want to stay asleep, hide under the covers like I’ve been doing for weeks. Dream away and not think about the reality that binds us. We’re just a sea of messed up youth battling with our over active, creative imaginations. Yet isn’t it exciting?
I miss Edinburgh, I really do. I move from him and his car and stand high on a rock next to us. Straightening my spine, closing my eyes and blocking out everything but the open space I feel around me, I’m alone with this moor, melancholy but positive. Feeling a forward moment ahead of us. Standing with the man who caused me so much grief and upset and rising above the madness. We are taught that every creature’s only objectives are to be happy and free of pain, and the purest, strongest act is forgiveness.
I’m so thankful. For everything I’m blessed with.
Mother, Lover, Breather.