I see her every day and spend every waking moment worrying about her, laughing with her, loving her. I have fallen completely in love with her in a way. In the way that she has parts of her in which she were left, and of which she needs to be loved. She is reckless. Passionate and intense. Her deep plum dreadlocks are messy at the moment, just the way I love them. She hates it and thinks it makes her a mess but she couldn’t be more wrong. I never knew my guardian angel would be disguised in this image of a crazy, colourful and wonderful woman. I could not be more proud of her. I am beyond thankful.

Rain is battering the house tonight. I’m with my best friend, our children in bed, I strip down to my underwear to bound outside and feel it against my skin, to breathe the fresh autumn night. She laughs as I clumsily run like a child to the front door in my bra and pants giggling like a toddler. To my disappointment it isn’t as hard as I’d imagined, typical. I still spark up a cigarette and stand in it. I believe this is normal behaviour. Any opportunity to feel truly alive through a dull reality.

I can connect with my head more fluently lately. Destruction is something to be laughed at, it is beautiful, as long as you have an ounce of how to resolve it. You want to go fucking insane, resolve your daily un-excitement by loosing the plot, it seems so much more dangerous, exhilarating, liberating. But Noah isn’t involved in this predicament, my evenings spent with him are the most spontaneous and beautiful compared to any man or woman, any laugh or drink or whatever. Because this daily issue doesn’t concern him. Amazingly enough, as I never thought so without having a child, He is the most insanely stunning, exciting, wonderful thing to happen to a human being. I thrive off my evenings with him, the climbing over my body, the kisses, the tickles, laughing to the point we can’t breathe. It shows me so much childish entertainment and silliness. Beauty in a woman that is without worry, make-up, ridiculousness. Because it is real, it is femininity, it is human. I almost want to wake him up right now thinking it, squeeze him, kiss his mouth. The natural, insane bond between a mother and a child. In my opinion, from my own experience, the strongest bond in the universe.

I miss the naive teenager I once was. Hopping on a train, taking anything to create an insane memory. I would always focus on building them, documenting them, almost knowing one day I’d grieve over them. I’ve cut people out. People that I know when it comes to it, will do me no good. Noah is the priority, now and always, so it’s for him. It’s always for him. He wants his Mummy all the time now and I just want him. My beautiful focus.

I officially start placement on Monday. Then ‘Isabella & Charlie’s’ have three evening events booked for November and I’m head of décor on the Steampunk committee for Haworth 2015 weekend. So many wonderful focuses. It’s just the evening that are difficult. Alone with my books, paper and mind. It’s therapeutic but also dangerous depending on that particular day. We live, we love, we crack on.

The possibilities are endless and I can’t wait to get my teeth stuck in. Cigarette, hot milk, book, bed.

E x